Hipster Groupthink — A Studio In Williamsburg, Nov. 19, 2002

" … so I had been bugging my friend to go out into the woods for like two hours, and the shrooms were starting to kick in, and you know, I was like ready to go out into the woods. So finally we go out into the woods, and like, all of a sudden, I want to just go straight back to the campsite, I'm like seized with fear …"

The drug story roundtable began this way over a few six packs. No, actually we were talking about barbecuing and then about campfires, then of course about camping, and finally this mesh-cap hipster tips the discussion into the bizarrely attractive conversational genre of drug stories. He started out casually enough, and by the end, when the moon shone cold through the brittle autumn trees and his friend was pawing around like a rabid ferret and his mother's voice was all around beckoning him, he was back there, back in the forest — and, and, and — Jesus, whew!

He was shaking slightly as he popped another Pabst Blue Ribbon.

"Yeah, man. The first time I got high I was in the back of my big sister's Camero," said a mulleted garbage bag electroclashster. "We were listening to fuckin' Kraftwerk 'Showroom Dummies,' I was fuckin' sooo high. Then we went into the gas station, and I bought — I'll never forget it — I bought this big gulp of Dr. Pepper, and I thought: Whoa. I've been drinking Dr. Pepper for years and I don't even know who the fuck Dr. Pepper is! And I said to my sister: Who the fuck is Dr. Pepper anyway? Oh man! We were crackin' up! The guy behind the counter HAD to know we were high!"

This was a rather mixed assortment of hipsters: the mesh-cap, the garbage bag, a few older sweater bellies, and a couple of homestead loftsters.

"Geez. I can't even remember the last time I smoked. It's been — god — a long time," said the dominant sweater belly.
"Oh, yeah," said mesh cap. "I don't smoke anymore either, I mean, after a while, it's just like 'duh' ya know? Plus, I spend so much money on music that I could never afford it."
"Pot's lame dude," said the sideburned homestead loftster. "Makes you into a retard fuckin' hippy."
His friend, the other homestead hipster, did a hippy impression, staggering across the room holding the imaginary joint: "Yahhh duude! Fuckin' check out my hemp necklace duude! You wanna buy a veggie burrito duude? Yahhh dude! Jerry lives duude! Check out my wicked glass pipe duude!"

The homestead loftsters laughed their aggressive, manly laughs.

"My grandma smokes pot," said the other sweater belly. "It really helps her arthritis, actually."
"Dude, do you ever smoke with her?" said the garbage bag.
"No way. But my uncle was a dealer so I used to smoke with him, out of her bong."
"No fuckin' way! Your grandma had a bong?"
"Oh totally," he said. "She still has it. It's a ceramic snake, you smoke out of its head."
"Oh dude!" said mesh cap. "We had this fuckin' six-footer in high school. You ever cleared a six-footer? You gotta have somebody light it for you, and it takes like three people to clear it! Fucking intense!"
Now dominant sweater belly broke in, suddenly giddy: "Did you guys ever make those things where you cut the bottom off a milk gallon and put it in the sink?"
"Oh, yeah!" said mesh cap. "Gravity bongs! I totally forgot about those!"
"I barfed from smoking outta one of those one time," said garbage bag. "It was awesome! You know when you take a bong hit sometimes you fuckin' cough so hard it hurts?"
"Completely," said the other sweater belly. "You ever do twelve-second noseblasters?"
"What's that?"
"We made it up in college. When we were out of weed we used to scrape the resin out of our pipe and hold our hits for twelve seconds and then blow it out through our noses instead of mouth, oh, it obliterates you."
"Shit! Scrapin' was soo fucking fun!" said garbage bag. "Sunday morning wake-and-bakes dude! Soo fucking fun."
"I got high at this GBV show one time," said mesh cap. "Man, I've never connected with music like I did then. It was awesome, I seriously got a fuckin' hard on just watching Pollard swing the mic. I'm not a fag or anything, but it was just so … so … brilliant!"
"Have you guys ever taken a shit when you're fuckin' stoned dude?" asked garbage bag. "Oh, it's soo fuckin' great!"
"I used to write all my film theory papers stoned," said sweater belly.
"We used to go skiing stoned off our asses!" said mesh cap. "Completely fucking baked!"
"One time in college I went to my fuckin' anatomy recitation totally baked," said garbage bag. "We were dissecting a baby lamb. At first I was freaking out but when I picked up the scalpel, it just came totally naturally. I got the whole brain out untouched, the eyeballs attached and everything! I was the only one who did it. It was amazing."
"Oh man," said the sweater belly. "When I first moved here we used to go up on the roof and smoke and just stare off at the Empire State Building, oh man, the sunset! The bridges! I had some of the best conversations in my life stoned."
The homestead hipster broke in: "Yahhh duude! I fuckin' saw God one time while I was toootally high duude! I was all: 'What's up God?'"
"Fuck off," said mesh cap.
"Yeah, you're a fucking dork," said sweater belly.

"Shit," said garbage bag. "I would love to get high right now. Wouldn't it be perfect tonight?"
"Yeah," said sweater belly. "I'd have a hit or two. Totally."
"I'd be down," said mesh cap. "Anybody got any?"

Nobody had any, so they all cracked another beer.

"Hey guys!" came a voice from the bedroom. One of the roommates walked in: "Did you guys say you wanted to smoke a little weed?"
"Umm — "
"Cause I've got a joint right here. I've been looking for somebody to smoke it with. It's pretty good stuff too."

He lit the joint and pulled — coughed — and passed.
"Fuck that shit," said the homestead hipster waving it away.
"Actually, no thanks," said the sweater belly, passing it to the other sweater belly. "I can't."
"Yeah, me neither," he said, passing it to the garbage bag. "Maybe next time."
"Sorry dude," said the garbage bag, passing it to the mesh cap. "I gotta work tomorrow."
"I would," said the mesh cap, passing it full circle, back to the roommate. "But I got a show to go to,"
"Oh?" said the roommate, and took another hit. "Okay."