Here's my answer to question 2 from the below inquiry:

Wannabe hipsters. Peeling through the layers of hipster motivation tends to debunk the feasible possibility of such a thing as a 'wannabe hipster.' Where I'm from, there's a road called Tablemesa, which in Spanish means 'table table.' I think of that road when I hear the term 'wannabe hipster' because it's exactly the same thing, it's a mental echo. What I mean is that hipsters are, in and of themselves, wannabes already. Their completion is a state of inauthenticity; they are forever the pet dog who will not stay off the living room couch because he is truly convinced that he is human. They want to be authentic, boy oh boy, how they want it! They want to be clever, they want to be fashionable, they want to be cutting edge, they want to be urbane, they want to be artists, writers, poets, playwrights, starlets, barflies, wiseguys, dandies, teddies, mods, bikers, truckers, soldiers, scholars, rockstars, they want to be other people, they want to be everything, which is, if not admirable, at least hopeful. The problem comes because hipsters want it all RIGHT NOW. And they don't want to do anything to get it. They just want to buy the used clothes, move into the 'up-and-coming' neighborhood, talk the talk and walk the walk. When you finally realize that your dog will not stay off the couch because he thinks he's human, you place a mirror in front of him and what does he do? There's no great realization, he doesn't look into the mirror and say 'My God! I'm a dog! What the hell?' No: He barks. He barks and barks and barks because he still doesn't realize that he's a dog. And hipsters are like that; they are tragic cases of wannabe precisely because they don't understand that they can't just BE whatever they choose IMMEDIATELY. There's no humility with hipsters; there's no self-reflection. And, finally, there's no struggle. And this makes them even worse than simple wannabes, it makes them wannabehaveitalls. See, we all start out as wannabes, why would we come to New York City if we didn't want to be something? Why would we get out of bed in the morning if we didn't want to grow and learn? But the thing that really makes hipsters so fucking annoying is that they don't have to struggle for anything, but they seem to pretend that they are struggling, they pretend that they know what it's like to struggle. They WANT to struggle, in fact, but not really at all because when you've had to struggle for something you know that anybody who says they want to struggle has never actually had to struggle.

I have occasionally seen the kind of person who would try to morph into hipsterdom, but for some reason cannot manage to do it, either because they were with a hipster crowd that was generally better-looking, or wealthier, or just plain dismissive. These pimply, four-eyed, too tall, too short too fat, big-nosed, big-eared, slack-jaw dorks are, I suppose, the closest thing you might find to a 'wannabe hipster.' And yes, hipsters do concoct elaborate schemes to avoid these people, I have no doubt about that. But these people usually end up realizing that they are simply too talented to hang on the coattails of a hipster clan, and that the reason they couldn't 'fit in' was because they were no good at pretending: They were not one of life's actors. And these people usually find their own truth based on observable, everyday fact rather then the dictates of 'hip,' and the dusty remnants of some glamorous nostalgia. And if any hipster had asked me to go pick up some pommade or a stylish belt for them, I'd have punched them square in the goddamed mouth.

Here's my answer to question 1 from the below inquiry:

As long as it takes you to subscribe to Vice magazine, move to Williamsburg, ravage a thrift store for ironic T-shirts and creepers. That's precisely how long it takes to become a hipster, which is of course why hipsters are all so full of shit. And as for 'proving yourself,' it seems to depend completely on which hipster species you are being sunk into, but generally a few prompt name-drops will do. Here are a few names (in no particular order) that can be dropped in almost any hipster situation — from crooked trucker cap to tweedy academic — and are sure to evoke the universal gurgling hipster 'coo,': Bob Pollard or 'GBV', Yo La Tengo, James Joyce, Stanley Kubrick, Charlie Parker, Crumb, Christopher Hitchens, Brian Wilson, 'Indy,' Illuminati, Don't Look Back, Cocksucker Blues, Eat The Document, Samuel Beckett, Betty Page, Derrida, Foucault, Kindercore, 'Alt-Country' … but really it's much, much simpler than this because such is the nature of the hipsters that they will believe almost anything in order to avoid looking 'out of it.' As they get older of course they sometimes wise up, but the young trucker-cap Williamsburg loft-dwellers are a cinch, all you have to do is condescend to them a little and drop some esoteric references and you're sure to become a hipster in no time at all, and that's the truth Jack.

On the topic of a hipster initiation ceremony: The real clincher for you to be initiated into the hipster clan of your choice is a matter of mutual distaste. Yes, I did say distaste. See, in the end hipsters are really just connoisseurs of shit, hence all the nostalgic knick-knack-of-the-past worship (and believe me, the Dukes of Hazzard and Gremlins were never that cool), all you really need to do to be accepted is find some pop culture objects or icons from the past that you know in your heart are completely fucking ridiculous and then pretend that you think they're really cool. To give an example of some cultural trash that is sure to end up on the hipster barometer in the future: American Idol, Survivor, Oprah's Book Club, Anna Nicole Smith, Razor Scooters, Martha Stewart, NASCAR, Justin Timberlake, Destiny's Child, Hot Pockets, and all the boy bands. And you better believe that with so much pop-culture garbage being produced in the 90s, with the poop factories in overdrive for the better part of ten years, we are set to produce some fucking hipsters like you cannot imagine, hipsters that will shock even the palest, poutiest, indyest hipsters in the biggest co-op lofts in all of Brooklyn. Yes my friends, we are in store for some fucking beefed up frankenhipsters in the next decade, I tell you. As soon as all that culture garbage shuffles off into the collective brain and gets a little bit dusty, when it starts popping up in garage sales in Ohio and Wisconsin, that's when the hipsters digest it, they live off shit, plain and simple. And like the butterfly whose colors reflect its flower of choice, so will the frankenhipster come back to haunt us with second comings of all the worst and most absurd elements of our society. But I'll get into future hipster projections another time.

Based on a read here at the forum, some bitch has asked some hipster-related questions and I'm taking the liberty of reprinting them on my site (thanks Jen) so I (and all of you) can take up these questions too. Comments on these and all other topics are welcomed here at the fucking New York City Anti-Hipster Forum! I would have rephrased them, but they are magnificently poised and I think you will enjoy them:

"1. How do you become a Hipster? Does it take time or do you just slap on some pointy shoes and a silly-logoed shirt and you're in? Do you have to prove your knowledge of Hipster music and fashion before being accepted into the community? Is there a period of time where you are a "Hipster-in-training" (H.I.T.) Is there an initiation ceremony? A secret handshake? How does the transformation take place??!!!??!!

2. Do you ever run accross a wannabe Hipster? Someone who is always on the outskirts looking in. Someone who just hangs onto the coattails of the local neighborhood Hipsters. What makes this person not able to fit in with your people?? Do you concoct elaborate schemes so you can avoid having to hang out with this person? Do you send him on Hipster errands, making him pick up hair pommade and stylish belts, but never really let him into your clan?

3. Do Hipster characteristics vary from neighborhood to neighborhood? For instance, in Fort Greene the other day I ran across a group of Hipsters dining in an Indian restaurant. These Hipsters possessed traits that I had not seen before in my previous run-ins with Hipsters. For instance:

**They all positively reeked of Gucci rush. Is Gucci a Hipster favorite???
**Several of the Hipsters were in possession of those silly little scooters. The Razor ones. They had parked them in the restaurant, and they were blocking the way for other patrons.
**They all ordered their meals in the manner of a persnickety old man. (i.e...dressing on the side, no oil, tea without caffeine, omitting specific ingredients, etc. etc.)
** Two of the six Hipsters wore their headphones the entire time they were sitting with their friends. They would occasionaly take them off to interject something into the conversation, leading me to question whether or not they were actually listening to anything on the headphones, and were instead simply wearing them to look edgy and hip.
**Several of them had horrendous manners.
Please tell me, is this typical of all Hipsters or just Fort Greene Hipsters?

4. Do hipsters act hipster-ish all the time? Do they sleep in Hipster pajamas? Are they pouty and blase even in their sleep? Do they wake up in the morning spouting obscure musical references even before their morning coffee? Do they drink morning coffee, or is coffee not hip enough?
As you can see I have a lot of questions. Any information that anyone can give me will be most helpful."